Grand Canyon ain't nothin'.
Being a grandfather or a father,
now that's harder than being the Grand Canyon,
which is just a hole sittin' there, doin' nothing.
Okay, but are you okay with us even havin' a Grand Canyon?
Or should we just kick some sand up all over it,
and fill it up like a cat box?
Shit!
All I'm sayin' is, the Grand Canyon
is where Joe was left that very day.
Yo, Ebony, Ivory, you talkin' about Joe Dirt?
Yeah. -I know a little somethin' about Joe Dirt.
Stopped into an old radio station I worked, a few years back.
Stayed for... it must've been a week.
Wove some batshit crazy tale.
So batshit, he should've hung upside down from the ceiling when he was tellin' it.
I remember a big kid, bigger heart.
No, sure, you know, I'm not saying the IQ wasn't subterranean.
I mean, that intellect was barely skimmin' the tree tops.
Now, I ain't sayin' that I ain't in agreeance with ya,
but somewhere in there,
that speechifyin' you makin' just ain't soundin' right.
Hey, John C-minus Reilly!
It's not "agreeance." It's "agreematude."
And by the way, what's with the mouth, for God's sakes?
The teeth look like a half-completed Lego project.
What are you gargling with? M-80s?
Are those deciduous teeth?
I'm waiting for them to change color, fall out, and float down to the ground.
Who's your orthodontist?
Moe Howard with a ball-peen hammer?
I mean, for God's sakes, man. It looks like Willie Stargell took a bat to your mouth.
Now, listen, J.D.'s got himself in another bind here,
but why not let the boy tell you his own tale, in his own way?
Let's drop that needle, guys.
Wait a second.
That's a sweet song. I get the thematics, but this is Joe Dirt.
If we're gonna start this puppy off,
we've got to go old school.
Try it again, guys.
♪ Turn it up ♪
♪ Big wheels keep on turnin' ♪
♪ Carry me home to see my kin ♪
♪ Singin' songs about the Southland ♪
♪ I miss Alabama once again and I think it's a sin, yeah ♪
Hello.
I'm Dirt.
Well, I'm Joe Dirt.
Those look like pretty comfortable shoes you got on there.
My boots don't feel so good,
but they're, like, magical or somethin'?
- But I think... - Look, cracker,
don't you be talkin' no "Forrest Gump" crap to me,
you little bitch waffle.
Sittin' there, talkin' all that honky-ass, whiney crap,
like, "Mama said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates.".
Boy, sittin' next to you for even ten seconds,
makes me feel I should take a shower in a bath full of Clorox.
Shit!
Mullethead.
If I say hi to you, you're not gonna call me,
like, a dumb, crap Forrest Gump or somethin', will ya?
Well...
let's play it by ear.
You waitin' on the 7 Crosstown bus?
Fair enough. No, I'm just waitin'
for the concert to be over, over there, yeah.
I tidy up after.
- Tidy up? - Deertay. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sort of, you know, a roadie.
Like, you travel with the bands,
and you pack up their equipment after concerts,
and their amplifiers and stuff? Yeah, exactly.
But no, not per se. I don't travel with them.
Mostly, I mop up after they're done.
Like, I clean up the poop and barf and things,
and your occasional fart items and pee-pee.
You know, and whatnot.
So, you don't actually travel with them and such. Not a roadie.
No, exactly.
I don't know where that started. Yeah.
Yeah. Now, we're on the same page.
Well, why aren't you in there watchin' them perform?
Well...
I ain't exactly allowed in the building
during the concerto, if you will. Aw.
But if there is a diarrhea emergency or somethin',
I get to go in, clean it up, and I can hear a little bit.
So, there's some perks.
Yeah.
I enjoy my job, 'cause if people have a hard week,
and they want to rock out at a concert, I like to help.
You know, pickin' up their garbage, bodily fluids, just so they can relax.
They can thank me later.
They don't, but, that's cool.
It don't stop me from being all in, all the time.
Bam, bam. You know how it is, yeah?
You know, so much has been happenin' to me,
that I don't even understand it all.
It's all just happenin' way above my pay grade.
Above zero?
- Just kiddin'! - Okay.
- I'm sorry. That was rude. - No, that's a good one.
- You got me. - I'm sorry.
It's pretty much how it is.
See, my new story picks up after my first story,
and yet, it goes back to the day I was born.
Well, you've got me intrigued, and I don't see the bus comin' nearby, so...
start at the beginning.
It starts where every good thing in my life ever got started...
Silvertown.
Man, that's the greatest town ever.
♪ I woke up this mornin' and got myself a gun ♪
♪ Mama always said I'd be the chosen one ♪
♪ One in a million and I believe I'm gonna burn to shine ♪
♪ I was born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eyes ♪
♪ I woke up last mornin' ♪
♪ And all that love had gone ♪
♪ Papa never told me about right and wrong ♪
♪ But I'm lookin' good, baby ♪
♪ I believe that I'm feelin' fine ♪
♪ I was born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eyes ♪
♪ So help me now♪
And today was the best day ever.
Man, I was marryin' Brandy.
♪ Ooh, something's got a hold of me now ♪
♪ It's a feeling ♪
- ♪ Burning like a love on fire ♪ - Hey! Come here! Get down!
It was like I was dreamin'.
Brandy knew me better than I knew myself.
Like, she knew that I didn't know what seven times seven was.
I mean, yeah, now, I know it's 77,
but still, she knew me.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any better,
it did.
- Joe... - We were gonna have a baby.
Morning sickness came on fast.
Get it out. -But Brandy was a real trooper about it.
And then, the big day arrived.
- Joe, honey? - Yeah.
- How are you doing? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm doing good, baby. I'm doing good.
Please make her smart like Brandy.
Don't make her dumb like me. Please, God.
- Joe? - What? I don't know what to do.
Just tell me if there's something I need to help you with.
- Honey, honey, breathe. - Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- In and out. - Okay.
- That's it. - Man.
We're gonna see our baby girl soon.
I hope she looks like you. No, shut up!
I mean, shut up,
because, no, please, she has to look like you, baby.
Don't waste a favor. What if God listens? You can't...
I swear to God, you are the most handsomest man that I have ever seen.
Baby, I think them drugs put your eyeballs to sleep,
'cause you don't know what you're sayin'.
All right, let's take a look.
Centimeter dilation looks just about right.
Hey, doc, are you smokin'?
Was it the cigarette that gave it away, Sherlock?
Dr. Torres, dial 118 please.
Doctor girl? -Ms. Dirt... May I call you Brandy?
'Cause I feel like, once I've seen your muff,
we should be on a first-name basis.
Okay, this exchange doesn't sound too doctorish to me.
How cool. Did you go to med school?
- No, I did not. - So you don't know how doctors talk.
I thought maybe you did, the way you sounded all
confident about our exchange not sounding doctor-like.
My Joe went to the school of hard knocks,
but graduated with honors.
Please treat him with respect. Aw, that's nice, Brandy.
You always say the nicest stuff about me.
Hmmph. I can't help myself, baby.
Well, well. Our little girl is crowning.
You're about to meet your baby. Did you hear that, baby?
I love her so much already!
Um, this... Hold on a second.
Sue, I think there's another baby up in there.
Did I hear there might be another baby?
Hey, we're in a meeting.
Hey, doc, I just wanna...
Jackpot! Gimme some!
- What? - It's a medical term.
It's a medical term? It don't sound like one.
Wow! Did you go to med school?
No, we went over this earlier.
Ey, doc, I do see another baby in there,
although I'm no baby expert.
- You ain't no expert? - I wanted to get in on this one
soon as I heard it was gonna be Brandy-boo up here in these here stirrups.
- What's that? - Hey, get outta here, man!
What are you doin'? Don't talk that way.
- Shit. - What now? What's the matter?
- There's three up in there. - Three what?
- Three babies, dumb-ass! - I told you, I told you!
- Well, they... I see them now. - Excuse me!
Today is the day when these tiny little lives begin their journey,
that God willin', will outlast everybody in this room.
Joe and I would appreciate it
if you would show the proper reverence.
Aw, baby, that's so good. She got the speeches down.
That's poetry right there. You're my little M.L.K., baby.
This Brandy chick is pure gold,
inside and out.
Woman like that lovin' a man like him,
I must've misjudged this fool.
What do you say we deliver these babies?
Wow! Martin Scorsese couldn't compose a better shot.
What more could a guy ask for?
That wasn't it.
Hey, what did Brandy just say? Let's deliver us some babies!
You've got it, Joe Dirt. Give us some room.
Three babies comin' up!
- Push! Push! - You got it!
- Come on, you can do it. - Are they talkin'?
You're done.
- Congratulations! - You have triplets!
- They're beautiful. - What?
Brandy, you hear that? We got us a little NASCAR pit crew!
I'm so happy!
Joe, it's sweet that you want to name 'em.
Brandy Jr., Brandy-Brandy, and Brandy 2.0 Special Edition.
- Yeah. - But they need real names.
You're right. You're the brains of the outfit.
All right, how 'bout this? I've been thinkin'.
Def Lep, Skynyrd, and Seger.
- Joe, be serious! - I know, I know.
The Def Lep one is wrong. That's no good.
All right, how 'bout this?
.383 Magnum, .440 Magnum, and a 426. It's a Hemi!
It's a Hemi! Everyone loves a Hemi!
- Joe, I am namin' them. - All right.
You constructed them. You did all the work.
You made 'em perfect and amazin'.
What do you got? Cheyenne, Abilene, and Dakota.
So perfect. You're so good at this.
- Three for three. - Yeah?
You did good.
Look at 'em.
So, everything was good.
Sure, there were some bumps,
like this local guy, Jimmy Yauch.
Man, he was worse than Robby.
What are you doin' over there?
It makes the smoke minty fresh.
What are you, a scientist now?
No, I drive a truck for Kipper Tow Yard.
I thought you knew that. And you suck what? I didn't hear that.
First of all, no,
and second, who's feedin' you all this false information?
Well, that would be your mother, son.
- Ho-ho! - Yeah, no. I think you'd better stop.
You'd better stop now, 'cause like Omar say,
if you come at the king, you best not miss.
But I... I didn't come at you.
Anyway, boys, I've been workin' on a song
about the hottest shorty-boo
that ever did walk the face of the earth.
And I'm tellin' you this right now,
Brandy, one day, she will be mine.
Now, this I swear.
Check this out.
♪ I'm a son of a gun, not a box of six gun repeater ♪
♪ I'm a backdoor man, not just some Walmart greeter ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'm rockin' the double 5-5 wiener ♪
♪ Lookin' for Brandy's love meter ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Damn it, I know I suck! I ain't got no poetry!
To catch a girl like Brandy,
you got to have some poetry in you.
But check it out, it's a catch-22,
'cause a woman like that puts the poetry in you!
Damn it to 'Frisco! I hate poetry!
I can't stand poetry!
Damn, Joe Dirt! It ain't right!
It ain't right. It should be me, man!
It should be me and not Joe Dirt!
I'm sorry about that guitar thing, man.
It got out of hand. It is what it is.
We all have our cross to bear.
And mine is Joe "piece of" Dirt.
Yeah, Jimmy... That dude was trouble waitin' to happen.
But my girls, man...
Look at 'em. They was growin' like weeds.
Three beautiful flowers.
Yeah, more flowers than weeds. Forget weeds.
They was growin' like flowers.
But deep down inside, I was feelin' like,
who was I to be happy, you know?
So, I was always nervous,
feelin' like it could all go away.
Turns out, I was right to be worried,
'cause soon, it all started unravellin' on me.
I got this job as a logger,
and one day, it all started comin' crashin' down on me.
Came down real bad.
Like butter.
Yeah! Yeah!
Luke, I am your logger!
You can't hear it. It's funny.
All right, here we go.
It's pinchin'!
That's lunch.
Think I cut 66 logs so far, man.
Probably get a good price down at the mill.
- Hey, Dirt. - Yeah.
- You strong? - You know it.
Pick that up.
Kinda walked into that one, didn't I? Yeah.
Hey, Dirt, you look like Elmer Fudd in that hat.
Shit. More like Elmer Fudgepacker.
Yeah. That guy in the cartoons. Yeah, I guess.
Lookin' stupid, yeah.
I seem to have forgotten my lunch.
Maybe...
you can give me that apple core when you're done with it?
Nah, you can't have that, boy.
I do have somethin' for ya. Here ya go.
Whoo!
Mind if I join in? I got one for him.
Come on, Dirty-Dirt!
Come on!
I got one. I got one for a face to land on, myself.
- Yeah! - A little up close and personal.
Boy, that one has got sauerkraut.
- My... - Hey, little logger boy.
Sexy Joe. These boys giving you trouble?
No, Missy. We were just... We were just funnin' around.
Can you keep a secret?
- Yeah, I guess so. - Then, keep this a secret.
No!
- Come on, girl! - Whoo!
- Yeah! - Dang.
That secret had some secret sauce in it.
How is hers the worst one? Man, Missy!
I still got some mass gas left!
Come on!
Get this guy a paper towel.
You're right, kraut. Can you read farts, boy?
Tell me what I had for supper last night!
All right, that's it, man.
22 times. It ain't funny no more.
Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?
Fartin' in Joe Dirt's face?
I will take my chances.
Daddy?
Why are they farting on you?
And right there, it started to dawn on them that their dad,
the dad they used to think was Superman,
wasn't no Superman.
He was a loser. He was just Joe Dirt.
Y'all leave him alone! Stop fartin' into his face,
or there's more whoop-ass where that came from.
Missy! What? I have a medical condition.
- Scram, girl. - I can't catch a break.
Honey, are you all right?
Yeah. Brandy, I can take care of myself.
I don't need you kickin' these guys' butts for me.
I know you can take care of yourself, baby.
Of course you can.
And that was it. They saw right through me.
I'm just a boy who was left at the Grand Canyon.
Like some empty Popsicle wrapper, you know?
Like cherry or lemon-lime.
Orange is another flavor I like.
You see, now, I never invented something great.
I didn't do anything like that. I didn't invent anti-gravity
or... Snausages
or them "back off, Jack" Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
Those are cool. I wish I did.
I just thought if I was rich or famous, you know, I can make 'em proud.
And then, they'd love me... for real.
Joe, that's ridiculous.
You love them. They love you. Go tell them. It'll be fine.
I can't, 'cause everything just went away, like I knew it would.
You know, one time, when I was growin' up,
I was in one of my many foster homes.
They had a guy come speak to us, and he was super smart.
He was wearing glasses and everything.
He said somethin' that stuck with me. I'll never forget it.
He said, revolutions never happen in countries
where things get so bad that people can't take it anymore.
No, revolutions happen when things just get a little bit better.
People get a taste of what they've been missin'.
And I got that.
I got my family, and now, it's gone.
Gone? What happened?
Well, this is the part of the story where it gets really weird.
There was a storm comin'. Man, a big storm.
A "mess up your hair really bad" storm.
Head to the basement! Come on, cover your eyes!
- It's all gonna be okay. - Cover your eyes!
- Come on, girls! - Basement. Go, baby.
Come on, baby. Hurry. Hurry!
- Daddy, I'm scared! - It's just wind, baby.
I know, baby, it's just wind. Daddy, my princess tiara!
I left it in the trailer. It's okay. It'll be there tomorrow, honey.
But it was a birthday present from Daddy!
- I'll go get it. - No, don't go!
I'll get it. It's okay, baby. I'm Superman. I'll be back!
- Daddy, be careful! - Go, go, go!
We love you!
Be careful, Joe!
Come in here! Come on! Hurry!
Dang! That twister's gettin' close!
This one's for real.
Hope it don't scratch my car.
Hi, Daddy!
Girls, what happened to the storm?
What are you talkin' about, loser?
Go make us some cash like Kanye. Treat us like North.
Man.
A cow?
Hit him again. Hit him. What are you waitin' for?
Sock him in the jaw. He's all yours. He's all yours.
Back him up, back him up. Knock him down.
I'm gonna whoop you till you're nothin'
but loose bones and loose chains...
What are you lookin' at?
Crap.
You see that? Y'all see what happened?
A trailer come out of the sky and landed on Lucky Louie.
Lucky Louie's dead.
That could have been any one of us.
Dang! What happened?
You done killed the most vicious leader
ever headed up the Smokin' Jokers.
You killed Lucky Louie.
- Wh... - And with just one house.
No. No, man. I didn't kill nobody.
I was just spinnin' in the twister,
and there was a bad storm.
- It threw me. - What storm?
Yeah. It was black clouds. Now, it's all tweet-tweet.
I don't know what happened.
You killed Lucky Louie, and now, you're our new leader.
As long as you wear these,
we go where you go, and we ride where you ride.
Man, these are nice. Ruby's a little fruity, but I'll take 'em.
My name's Foggle. What's your name, brother?
Joe, Joe Dirt. Joe Deertay.
- Which is it? - Joe Dirt.
Y'all hear that? All hail Joe Dirt!
You guys ain't gonna fart on me, are ya?
Well, long story short,
we stomped those three dudes so bad,
they gotta take their boots off to piss.
Anyway, that kinda ass-kickin' fun's an everyday thing for us,
and now, you get to tell us who to kick
and in which ass!
All right, man, well, kinda like "monkey see, monkey do."
I like that. Okay, how 'bout this?
I need a vet, 'cause these puppies are sick.
Yeah. Not bad. I'm a good leader.
But I'm actually not. I'm no good.
I know I couldn't lead a colony of ants
to a melting Hershey bar, to be honest.
Believe me, I tried.
But I do have three daughters I want you to meet.
I got a pretty wife. I'll bring her down.
We'll all have fun. Maybe brunch.
But, by the way, you know, all the kid stuff, blah-blah.
So, no talkin' about fightin' and drinkin' and spittin', punchin' and kickin'.
You get it. 'Cause, you know, that kinda violent imagery for a child, I don't want.
Besides, this is the year 2015.
I don't know about even a motorcycle gang fighting per se.
- 2015? - Yeah.
It's not 2015. It's 1965.
No, I'm sayin' now is 2015, June 2015.
No, it's definitely June, but it ain't no 2015, Mr. Dirt.
This is June 1965.
June 1965? If that's true, I'd be runnin' around in diapeys.
That's when I was born. I don't got no diapeys on.
But, anyway, I like it here, and I wanna meet everybody,
and I think, as the new leader, I'm gonna name everybody.
'Cause, you know, gangs have nicknames.
I think that's fun. I'm gonna start in the back.
You think I'm ignorin' you?
Back there, you got sort of a beak on your nose,
like... a little bit like a bird.
What's a funny bird name? "Birds"?
No, that's too uninteresting. A mean one is "Vulture."
You're Vulture from now on, if anyone asks you, okay?
Let's look around the room. All right, here we go.
There's, Mean Marvin, No Soap Sam,
Douchebag, Jolly Mean Giant, Church Burner, Fruit Loop,
Palm Tree, Crazy Eyes, Dopey, Inky... more like Stinky.
We got Pillow Biter, Reload, No Nuts,
Mama Hates You, Gooey Load,
Queefy, Jock Strap Johnny?
Okay? Teabagger Vance, Nucky Futz,
Charlie Dog, Super Dumb.
There's Going To Hell. There's... Gary.
Con Artist Connie, One Eye, Two Eye...
No, "Two Eye" is no good. Everybody's two-eyed, right?
That's... I'm runnin' out.
Pornstache, Little Killer, Medium Killer, Flat Ass,
Boogie-oogie, Cher, Mitch the Bitch,
Kneecaps, No Teeth.
Knock, knock. Who's there? You're ugly.
Ugly. -That whole thing is your nickname.
And you are... I forgot you, Foggle.
How 'bout Lead Singer of Blue Oyster Cult?
You don't get that one. That's funny.
You've seen him. They're good. Maybe the bass player.
It's exact. Anyway, as your new leader,
I command yee to roll up your sleeves,
and let's do some charity work.
Let's do some good for once, you know.
Let's get out there and help,
because that's where we want to be when Jesus comes back.
Who's with me? Come on, now! Let's do this!
You hear that, everybody?
That little queer wants us to help people in need.
Yeah?
Is that queer, man?
Is that queer?
- Think this is queer? - Yes.
What? -Well, next time, don't make it a question.
You're all like, "Is this queer?"
So, that just walks you right into the answer, which is yes.
Just make it a statement, dumb-ass.
Yeah? What about...
Yeah. Hey, Foggle, you're strong.
Strong smellin'! Yeah! Gotcha! Hold 'em up! Hold 'em up!
Got you good. -It took you that long to think of that?
To be honest, I thought of it about a week ago,
and then, I've been waitin' to use it, but I didn't think I would.
It's been in the chamber, loaded up, and guess who got it?
You! Whoo! Guess what else?
I got your boots. You think you're gonna get 'em back?
Not quite, termite. Give us those boots!
I'm runnin' away. Good luck catchin' me.
Which way am I goin'?
Get back here!
You ain't man enough to wear those boots!
You know that, Joe Dirt! You ain't nothin'!
You know that in your heart!
We will drag you to the gates of hell!
- Let's go. - Yeah.
Stupid Foggle. What a dumb name.
He needs a cool name, like Joe Deertay.
"Hey, Foggle, why don't you go play Boggle?"
God dang! That's so funny. Why didn't I say it?
I think of all the good ones too late.
Well, I got my tennis shoes and his stupid boots. Whoo-hoo!
I don't need these sneakers no more.
Whoopee! Ha-ha!
Fetch that, Boggle!
Man, it usually takes me 27 times. Nice!
Hey!
How come you threw your sneakers up over that power line?
Why? You've never seen that before?
No, silly head.
Silly head, 1965...
I must've traveled through some sort of vortex and tumbled through time,
like a time-traveler.
I don't know what's happenin', but I'll tell ya,
that happens in the future.
We find out carbs are bad for ya. Just a heads up.
Hey! Are you really from the future?
Yeah, man.
Maybe you should move down to Louisiana,
help me start my fishin' business.
You and I together, man, we could catch a lot of shrimp.
I mean, there's rock shrimp, Atlantic shrimp, salt shrimp,
boo-boo shrimp, tater shrimp, shrimp on a stick,
shrimp remoulade, shrimp in your pasta, shrimp...
You know what? Fuck shrimp!
Okay, so, "no" on the shrimp business?
What's the situation with your hair?
Did I call your number? Are we in a deli?
We are not and I did not. Goodbye.
Did you call number three yet?
Did I call number... No, that was a metaphor.
This ain't really a bakery, man.
Yeah, I know. I was just patiently waiting my turn.
You see that? He's patiently waiting his turn, all right?
That's nice. Instead of yellin' out nonsense.
Yeah. One day, I'm gonna dig a hole.
Well, that's great, man. See? There you go.
You're gonna have a great, big hole.
It's gonna be the biggest one. I'm glad you're settin' goals.
It's gonna be in my living room.
Yeah. Well, you had me, then you lost me there.
- Are you married? - I am married.
Now, that's a normal question, man.
I'm married to Brandy. She's sweet.
Wait a minute.
Is she, like, a great, big fat person?
A great, big fat person? She is not.
She's about 115, I'm guessin'.
I really wish those numbers were turned around.
Like, 511? -Then, she'd be a great, big fat person.
Yeah, no. I like her 115.
Anything over, like, 400, I'm not super attracted to.
I'd like to cut her skin off, and then, sew it together,
so that I could wear it as a human tracksuit.
Maybe I'm hearin' you wrong.
It sounds a little, um, not normal, what you're saying.
My name is Bob. If I had any friends,
they'd call me Buffalo Bob.
Why don't you give me a call if your wife ever becomes a great, big fat person?
Buffalo Bob. That sounds fam...
You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!
All right, enough! You're a broken record.
Does what it's told!
Say it, don't spray it, brother. Dang.
Buffalo Bob! Man!
Was that all in my living room? 'Cause that's step one.
Gotta run.
There's a huge crazy party behind that shed.
You can go. There's three tickets left.
What are you up to?
"Genghis Khan"? Genghis Khan what?
Is this a comic book store?
If I'm back in time, I could maybe buy...
d Lookin' fine as she could be d.
Is that Brandy?
Brandy!
♪ Walkin' down the street ♪
♪ Lookin' fine as she could be ♪
♪ Hey, hey! ♪
♪ If you have love and conversation ♪
♪ Yeah! What'd I say? ♪
♪ Hey, hey! ♪
I could really go for a soda, guys.
No gravy. You got that $5 you owe me?
See, I was thinking, you know, since we're both seniors now,
maybe it's time we, you know.
Um, wait a second! I think I see Jill.
I've got to go talk to her. She, um... She needs help with her homework.
All right. Homework is important.
I'll be here, waiting.
Bye.
Like always.
Wow! That was a total red light.
She gave you nothin' but brake fluid.
You're smothered in it. It's so funny, I forgot to laugh.
I guess it's time to try the old popcorn surprise.
What's a popcorn surprise?
Listen up, here's the skinny.
See, I put a hole through the bottom of a large tub of popcorn.
- Does the popcorn fall out? - I don't know.
It doesn't matter, all right? After I cut the hole through,
I put my thingy up through the hole.
Wait. Hold on now, fella. You lost me.
What's a "thingy"? Get smart and get smart fast!
That thing you use to go number one?
So, that's what keeps the popcorn from fallin' out.
That makes sense. -Yeah, I guess so. That's not the point, all right?
Anyways, after I get my thingy stuck up through the hole,
she reaches to grab the popcorn,
and presto!
Handful of thingy.
That's cool.
Spread the word around. It's gonna be classic.
- Yeah, all right, all right. - Go, go, go, go!
So, he finally made his move on you?
Yeah. He's sweet, but...
I don't have those kind of feelings for him.
You need to check your temperature, girl,
because he's the most dreamiest boy in school.
Brandy, hey! Whoo! Sorry.
I just ran five miles chasin' you.
What are you doin' here?
What are you wearin'? That looks funny.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
- Brandy? - And my name isn't Brandy.
I'm Ashleen.
Well, if it's 1965 and you're Ashleen...
Yeah, it's 1965, strange-o. What about it, you freaky guy?
My God. Are you Brandy's mom?
I don't know what you're sayin',
but I have always liked the name Brandy.
I could see me namin' a daughter that.
Yeah, you can, 'cause you d...
Why are you talkin' to our girls?
And what's the deal with your hair, you weirdo?
Yeah, show him your muscles, fellas.
Maybe he'll scram and scram fast.
Check this out. Do you even lift?
Listen, I'd better go, because these guys are gettin' a little cranky, all right?
So, listen, Ashleen, I think I came here to the past
to fix somethin' about myself, you know?
So, I deserve the daughter that you're gonna have one day.
I don't know what you mean.
I know it sounds... I don't know either.
And, by the way, do not eat Jimmy's popcorn, okay?
Jimmy? No. His name is Rory. Rory Yauch.
Fudge! That's Jimmy's dad!
Man, this shit just got officially weird.
Hey! You watch your language, buddy-boy fella!
You want a big bar of soap in your mouth?
Hey, are you a vet?
'Cause these puppies are sick. Yeah, you like that one?
Talk to the fist, 'cause the hand is pissed.
Those are from the future. You just got futurized.
You got a burn, and it came down from the future and got you.
You're a little dazed right now.
It'll go away, but don't fight it.
Just shh. Hey, he's gonna give you the popcorn surprise.
- What's a popcorn surprise? - I'll give you a hint.
It's more surprise than popcorn, okay?
Just promise me. You don't put your hand in that cup, all right?
Just think of me as your guardian angel, all right?
Lookin' out for the love of my life.
Bye.
How are you, son? This movie's a hoot, isn't it?
Dad, what are you doin' here?
- Mom! - I want some popcorn.
Mom, what are you guys... Hey, hey! No, no! No, no!
- Don't hog it. - Dad, don't stop. Don't stop!
- Don't stop! Don't stop! - I like it.
Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!
- It won't come out. - Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
My God! That's so...
Whoohoo.
Man. Old comic books in mint condition for ten cents apiece?
Not bad. Give Joe Dirt lemons, he gonna make gold-a-made.
Naw, lemonade. He gonna make lemonade.
This must be why I'm here.
To get rich, so my girls will love me for real,
instead of the loser that I am.
I'll buy 'em presents. Yeah.
This one is gonna buy Abilene braces.
This one's gonna buy braces for Dakota.
And this one... What could I get Cheyenne?
I'll get her braces.
And this, Brandy...
you're gonna get a new used car.
Don't worry, little tree. That won't hurt you.
You're gonna grow up big and strong.
Pretty nice. Take that, Home Depot.
Yeah. Life's a garden. Dig it.
Well, that was easy. Now that I'm rich,
I'm gonna get back to my trailer.
'Cause that's where this whole thing started,
and maybe that's where this whole thing ends.
Aw, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Crap.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Joe Dirt. Hey, Foggle.
Now, see, when I ride with a man like this guy,
I got a nice, big phone book between us,
like this thing right here.
That way, we're not really touchin' each other.
Right.
Now, Joe here, if he were to ride behind a man,
he probably wouldn't have a phone book dividin' him from the other man.
No, no, no. He would say,
"No, I don't need no phone book in-between us,
because I'd rather be nice and cozy."
Or if you put somethin' in-between him and the other man,
he would want it to be a little bit thinner,
like a magazine.
Or like a menu.
A really thin menu. Understood. Like a Kleenex.
You wish you'd thought of Kleenex.
I want those boots, Joe.
Foggle, look what I'm doin'. I'm takin' them off.
You know you ain't man enough to wear those boots.
- You give 'em to me, boy. - No.
What if I unzipped and rubbed 'em on my private parts?
You wouldn't like that.
You don't put that nowhere near your thingy!
Does that scare you?
I'll do it. Yeah. I'm crazy. I'll do it.
Look! Here come the police.
Too bad 'cause you're the bad guy. I'm the good guy.
Hey!
- Are you Joe Dirt? - Yeah.
Hey there, hi there, ho there, officer.
What is crappenin'? Figured it was you.
You had that weird hairdo they said you called a "mullet."
Yeah, that's me.
Did you buy comic books with this here money?
Yeah, you know I did. That's right.
Well, then you're under arrest for using counterfeit money.
What? No. I didn't... It ain't counterfeit.
It's future money from my future pocket.
You just tell that to them down at the station.
No. I'm under arrest, so those guys can't kill me now.
- What guys? - Those guys.
See ya later. I'm innocent. Sorry!
- Hey, get back here! - I bumped your car. Sorry!
Come on. We gotta go get him. -We've got a pursuit on foot going west on Hartford.
It ain't over, Joe Dirt!
We're your personal demons from hell!
Let's go. Where's my phone book?
So, I was on the lam. They even let the dogs out on me and everything,
but I got away, man.
I pretended to be a scarecrow in a field.
Them stupid cops, they never caught me.
What about the dogs?
The dogs? I don't know. I don't remember.
Anyway, so there I was, on the run,
escapin' from the police...
Well, police dogs have a real good sense of smell.
Even if you were a scarecrow, how could the dogs not find you?
You know, they did find me, but I got lucky.
They just walked away.
H-How did they just walk away? I mean, they just walked away?
They knocked me over on the pole on the ground, and then, they just walked away.
I don't know. They had dog stuff to do.
You're focusing on the wrong... I can't imagine.
Why would they just walk away? God dang with the dogs!
Who gives a care?
Sorry. -The dogs! All right, you gotta solve the case.
All right, they all humped me. Is that what you wanna know?
You found it out, Nancy Drew.
You solved the case of the horny dogs.
No, no!
Well, glad you got a good chuckle out of it.
It was terrible. It was man's best friend.
More like man's best friend with benefits.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't know if you started the "dogs like to hump people's legs" fad,
but think about it.
You started the shoes on the line,
and the mullet...
You know, you might be like
the white trash Johnny Appleseed.
Well, maybe.
You know, once I extricated myself from the dog pile...
They were done, basically, once they got the money shot,
if you get my drift, which I hope you don't.
God.
Anyway, so there I was, on the run.
I was runnin' through the night,
and you can't believe what I saw.
Ruby's. I like any place that sounds like boobies.
Man. Where's a crowd when you need 'em?
Get some LOLs goin'.
Man. That singer looks like a young Ronnie Van Zant.
Wait. That's Ronnie, Bob, Gary?
My God! This is Lynyrd Skynyrd,
before they was Skynyrd.
What, what, what! Man!
Man, you guys were so good.
So you really dug our sound?
Well, I do think you guys have potential.
Well, cool 'cause we're just barely scratchin' by, not makin' a dime.
Well, I think that's all gonna change.
Look, I have one criticism, and don't... do not take this the wrong way.
I'm just sayin', maybe tinker with the name of the band, you know?
You don't like "The Wild Cats"?
No. Yeah, no, I don't, actually,
because "Wild Cats" is too, like, generic and boring.
Like, any animal... It's like meerkat, you know?
You know, "Meerkat Manor." You don't know.
But it's just... It needs to be more distinct, I feel.
Distinct? -Yeah, I mean, this is rock and roll.
A name means everything, man.
All the cool bands have cool names.
You wanna kick ass. You want it to stand out.
"Wild Cats"... I just don't think does it, man.
Do you got any other ideas?
Hey, I got one.
What about "Wham"?
- Wham? What? - It sounds kickass, right?
It's like, "Wham!"
It says, if you mess with us, we'll beat you down.
We'll blow you away. We don't care where.
In a dark alley or in a public toilet.
I feel like "Wham" is just, gut-instinct, not the way to go.
What about "Frankie Goes to Hollywood"?
- Absolutely not. - What about "Cher"?
- Cher? - What about "Air Supply"?
- My God. Be real! - What about "Kajagoogoo"?
- What? - "New Kids on the Block"?
We're gettin' colder.
Okay, you said we're gonna be big, right?
Going straight to the top? All right, then "One Direction"!
What is crappenin'?
No. I'd do "Pet Shop Boys" though.
What about "Spice Boys"?
That's pretty good. Yeah.
Come on, man, we need some contenders here.
What is this crap? All right, I got one.
Now, get ready for this, okay?
It's a little out of left field, but be open-minded.
Lynyrd Skynyrd.
- No, man! - Hell no!
No, not that guy. -That's our gym coach's name.
We don't even like that guy.
I know legend has it it's your gym coach.
What legend? . Now, that's a long story.
But seriously, guys, I know he's your coach, but you change it a little bit.
You add a D. You add a random Y, another renegade Y over here,
and then, it's "Lynyrd Skynyrd," and presto chango,
people remember that.
- I don't know. - No, that guy gave me lice.
I don't know about "Lynyrd Skynyrd," man.
Do you remember that time he chased the other coach around his underwear, in the gym?
- Yeah, that guy's whacked out. - But you're...
My God. That's so good.
Man.
Trust me, you guys are gonna be big.
That song is so perfect.
I'm telling you, that's like an anthem,
like a southern toe-tapper, to say the least, man.
On a huge-o-meter, it's gonna break the needle.
Like a big weddin' song?
- More like divorce. - Really?
Where does it go, man? It's too slow.
Too slow? Listen to this guy!
My God. It's gonna be nine minutes.
- A nine-minute tune? - Yeah, I know.
I mean, it could be. It could be 9:08.
Nine minutes, eight seconds. Yeah.
When you got it that good, don't rush it.
What I would do?
I would talk at the beginning, sing, sing.
If it's about a bird, you know, lettin' it go free...
And then, maybe just kill some time in the middle with an instrumental,
like, anything.
I would probably go...
Yeah. Yeah!
Man! You got it!
I kid you not. Like I said, you're gonna be rich and famous.
Trust the shit out of me on this one.
Yeah? Big rock stars with a chock-full of money and girls,
and jammin' into the night, livin' the great life?
You know it, man! Exactly.
Everyone's gonna look up to you, you're gonna have tons of fans,
your kids are gonna be proud of you,
your families are gonna have so much money.
Buy anything you want. We could buy our own airplane.
Yeah!
What's the matter?
Hey, um...
You guys, it was nice to meet you, but...
You're gonna be great, man. I gotta go.
That was weird.
I was eight years old when I heard about that plane crash.
It just goes to show, you never really know
what's goin' on in people's lives, you know.
Everything can look great, and you can wish you were them,
but then...
Sounds like a lesson in there.
Yeah, I know there's a lesson,
and I know I was supposed to walk into that club and meet Skynyrd that night,
but I ain't real smart,
and my head always feels all jingly-jangly,
which is a southern term meanin' gangly-wangly.
There's always noise in it,
like, if people are droppin' change in there
and not pickin' up the pennies.
It makes me crazy, man,
but then, when I think I'm startin' to figure stuff out,
along come these assholes.
Get after Joe Dirt!
Yeah! -Get back here with those boots!
You little bitch.
Don't you get on that train! Don't you get on that train!
Noo!
Haha! Take that, Boggle! What a burn!
Man.
And so, there I was, just clickety-clackin' through the night.
I got to thinkin',
how does this Foggle dude and all them,
always know where I am?
It's almost like they're livin' inside my head, you know?
I mean, there's definitely a lot of empty space in there,
but where would they put their motorcycles?
Where would they go to the bathroom?
Whatever.
I'm sick of bein' alone.
I wish Brandy was here right now.
Now, I'm missin' my family, I'm lost, hungry, alone.
Then, I fell asleep.
I started to dream real weird.
It's me, Joe.
Kickin' Wing? Holy crap on a crutch!
- What's up? - I missed you.
But they don't call me "Kicking Wing" anymore.
I'm "Kicking Ass." I took your advice.
Man! That's a good one.
That's cool. I got tons of good ideas, man.
So, where have you been? How's the fireworks game? Pew-pew!
I'm not in the fireworks game, Joe.
Growth potential wasn't enough.
- I'm a drug dealer now. - What?
You don't do drugs. I don't get high on my supply.
- That's catchy. - Baby, who's this clown?
This is the legendary Joe Dirt.
Good friend.
So, you sell heroin and all that kinda crap?
- No. Just aspirin and weed. - What?
I can get aspirin from a baby!
I can get weed in a vending machine in Denver.
'Cause you know what? No one gives a care about weed anymore.
Understand, rubber band?
Well, aspirin and weed is the ones I like.
Well, that's your problem.
You're not sellin' to the mirror, my man.
You're forgettin' about the consumer, again.
I'm a really good drug dealer.
Um, Kim Possible, you're gonna stand there,
callin' yourself a really good drug dealer,
and you ain't got no crystal meth?
No black tar? These are the basics.
No zannie bars? White crosses, special K, moon rocks?
No zip-it's, pop-it's, whip-it's?
Black beauties or cocaine?
Also known as yayo, power flour, talk chalk,
devil's dandruff, or sniffy jiffy?
No.
No shanaynay? No vajajay?
No. Just aspirins and weed.
So, you're supposed to be taken seriously
in your chosen new profession,
and you don't move no purple microdot?
No gold paint to huff? No angel dust?
PCP, Molly, trolly, trolly car,
crank, ice, crack, boom, pow, snizzle, zoomers, boomers,
hoosker do's?
Wait, I think that's a firecracker, isn't it?
No, it's both.
No yellow jackets, morning wood,
or one single bottle of codeine cough syrup?
With or without the Jolly Rancher.
You must get high all the time. You seem psycho.
Wait! Is this a dream?
Yeah, this is gonna be a dream.
Then I can say somethin' mean back. All right, say it again.
You must get high all the time. You seem psycho.
You must bone a lot of dudes. You seem like a whore.
I do.
Backfire.
I'm so glad it's a dream and you ain't a drug dealer.
You're right, Joe, it is a dream.
Come on, Kicking Ass, kick him off the train.
I want to get high.
Don't you understand, Joe?
This whole dream represents you trying to become something you shouldn't be.
Think about that, Joe.
Man. It was great to see Kickin' Wing but not as a drug dealer.
And that's when it hit me...
what... what he was tryin' to tell me.
What he wanted me to figure out, was that...
Then, I got sleepy.
Yo! Mully Mulletson!
It's me, the clumsy segue fairy.
You're dreamin'. We're inside a dream,
that's inside a daydream,
that's being influenced by a vague sense of ennui,
and this is "Joe Dirt 2," and why have overwritten this?
Now, go back to sleep. You're gonna wake up in the middle of nowhere.
Them dreams is tryin' to tell me somethin',
especially Kickin' Wing's.
I don't even know what Zander Kelly was doin' in there,
and I have no idea what "ennui" means, either.
All in all, I was startin' to feel like Alice in Wonderland.
You know, if Alice was a cool dude,
and Wonderland was, like, a place where
everyone benches a lot and you're cool and...
Yeah, that's a bad comparison, but things was definitely gettin' weirder.
Hey, guys, what's crappenin'?
What's your name?
Well, listen, it's a bit... unusual,
and I've heard all the jokes, I've heard them about my hair,
so we might as well skip it.
- It's Joe Dirt. - Dirt?
That's a pretty shitty name, don't you think?
Yeah, I guess we're not gonna skip it.
Yeah, listen, it could've been Connor
or Willow or Aiden or Jaden or maybe Kobe or Tristan...
Yeah. How's your health?
That's a bit personal.
Well, my health is good. I feel like it might get worse in a few minutes.
You ain't a smoker?
No, but I do dip Skoal.
Just a pinch between my cheek and gum.
I've tried Cope, you know, between us,
but it's a little strong, I get dizzy.
I like to call it "the poor man's amusement ride."
You're about to go on a big ride.
Bright light!
Sore to the touch.
Somebody's gettin' a bad stitchin' award.
What'd they do?
Seashell?
Am I at the beach?
Sandcastle time!
So, they harvested me.
- What? - Yeah.
- Harvested you? - Yeah, they dug deep.
They got my kidney, they got my gallbladder, they got some liver parts.
I guess they were makin' some cat food or somethin'. I don't know.
Aw. I thought that was just, like, an urban legend.
- How creepy! - Yeah. Yeah!
You know, maybe I started that.
After the surgery, they left all kinds of crap inside of me,
like, you know, on accident, I'm guessin'.
- What? - They left, scissors inside me.
They left a hamburger wrapper,
39 cents in change,
some of those plastic pluggy things
that you stick in a corncob to hold it better.
Also, one of them cans that says "moo" when you turn it upside down.
- No! - You say no...
Hang on.
There we go.
It's nice to see you laughin'.
My little girls would laugh so hard at that.
They'd think it's so funny.
I wish I could hear that. So, where was this beach?
Actually, it was a desert island.
I was there a long time.
About 12 years.
"Dear whoever finds this message in a bottle,
"I'm trapped on a desert islan,
"and I'm losin' hope of ever bein' found, man.
"I probably just wasted tie writin' the word 'man.
It wasn't a necessary word and I don't have much ink, so that's dumb."
"I'm usin' my own blood.
"I'm crossin' off 'man. Sorry for the mess.
"As I gaze out and see the rocks that look like a giant church steeple,
"it makes me think of the day I married the love of my life, Brandy.
"I miss her. I miss my girls.
"I'm lonely out my ass.
"I hope somebody gets this and replies.
"P.S. No smokers.
"Ha-ha, I'm just kiddin'.
Signed, Joe Deertay."
"P.P.S. AKA Joe Dirt. I ain't foolin' nobody with the 'Deertay' thing.
I'll give up on it."
♪ Gonna take a freight train ♪
♪ Down at the station, Lord ♪
♪ I don't care where it goes ♪
♪ Gonna climb a mountain ♪
♪ The highest mountain ♪
♪ Jump off, nobody gonna know ♪
♪ Can't you see? ♪
♪ What that woman, Lord? Ooh! ♪
♪ She been doin' to me ♪
♪ Can't you see? ♪
Tastes like jellyfish.
♪ What that woman ♪
Yeah. You like that, Wilson?
You're not gettin' away. . Yeah, take that.
Okay, this one goes out to all the angel fish out there.
You know who you are... Let 'em in the front. Come on, now.
♪ Never comin' back ♪
♪ Ride me a southbound ♪
You like that, shell? Hey, which way out? I need an exit sign.
There you are.
Sorry for the delay, folks. I took a crap.
I buried it. I pushed some sand on it.
It's not totally gone, but...
Nobody go lookin' for it. I don't think you would.
♪ Can't you see?♪
No!
Whoo!
Yeah. Whoo-hoo!
I hope this is mine!
"Dear Joe Dirt,
"you sound so lonely and lost.
"And as I gaze out of my Marriott Hotel window,
"I can see the same church steeple rocks you mentioned in your letter.
"Anyway, what hotel are you staying in?
I'm in room 347. Write me back or call."
Marriott?
What the fuck?
12 years and this close to an f'ing, freakin', fuckin' Taco Bell?
Hey, mister.
- Are you Bigfoot? - What?
No, man. No, I'm not Bigfoot.
I'm Tired-foot.
Hey, Bigfoot, why did you climb all those rocks over there,
instead of using this trail?
- What year is it? - It's 1977, Bigfoot.
Man. What... What city am I in?
- It's Miami, Bigfoot. - Man.
I need to go down just to wipe.
It's rough down there. I've been wipin' with
seaweed and clamshells for 12 years.
- Ew, Bigfoot. - Gross, Bigfoot.
Bye, Bigfoot. You gotta get goin'? Okay.
- Yeah. See you later, Bigfoot. - Okay. I'll catch you later.
Maybe I'll write it in a bottle and throw it to you.
I'm kiddin'. Wait, are... Is this the way down?
Whoohoo!
27 cents for all-new J.D. threads.
Whoo!
Now, I just gotta get the bugs outta my hair.
No.
Skynyrd, man. Those poor guys.
I'm complainin' about my stupid problems,
and these guys... Screw them!
Man, I was on an island for ten years. I'm in Florida!
What a dumb-crap!
I just get stupider!
Wait a second.
Is that dude Clem?
Wait, that's Clem.
Hey, Clem!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Hey, hey, Clem?
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank. Clem, hey!
Mr. DeBennedetti, I'm sorry. This is... My name's Joe Dirt.
I'm from the future. I know it sounds crazy.
I heard about the future.
Everybody's got a big head, right?
Enlarged. You eat pills to live. You fly around with a jetpack.
Not quite yet. I mean, we have a BeDazzler.
Jetpacks are not at the Walmart just as of now,
but we have the cronut.
It's really doin' well. I ate 30 once.
I was drunk. It was like 28, but I brag and say 30.
But here's the real thing.
In the future, I just wanna tell ya...
It sounds crazy, I know... but we're friends.
You're like a dad to me. I mean, we hang out, and you live in Silvertown.
You saved me from bullies. Vinnie, whack this kid.
He's talking nonsense. Then dump his body in the trunk,
then dump his crazy hair in a different trunk.
- You got it, Uncle Frank. - No, no, Mr. Vinnie, wait. One...
I'm tellin' you, I'm from the future. I'll prove it.
There's a T.V. What's that? NASCAR?
I know NASCAR. That's Daytona 500, I bet.
I could tell you who wins. Is that good?
If this was true, you would become very important.
You got five seconds. I start counting now. Three.
What? Wait. What happened to one and two?
I had them whacked. Four.
Wait! God... Okay, hold on.
Daytona Speedway, 1977.
That's... My God. Richard Petty, I think. STP car.
Then, you got Darrell Waltrip in Gatorade.
A.J. Foyt is third.
Then Donnie Allison, who's fifth.
- Five? - Cale Yarborough!
Go! Yeah. Yeah!
Yeah!
Heheho-ho.
Guys, we just found a goose that lays the golden eggs.
- I lay them. - This goose's name is, what?
- I'm Joe Dirt! - Joe Dirt.
Joe Dirt? Yeah, okay.
It's all right.
This was all paying off.
We was getting richer.
I was getting richer.
♪ Cadillac girl, around the world ♪
♪ Traveling down the highway ♪
♪ Cadillac girl, around the world♪
♪ Traveling down the highway ♪
Daddy, I can do somersaults, and backflips too.
Look, I did a perfect cartwheel!
I bet you can't do that.
- Daddy! - But I was missing my family.
Daddy, watch my somersault.
Really missing them something awful.
Sounds crazy, but I recorded a bunch of actresses
doing little jibber-jabber, you know?
To remind me of home.
Hey, Joe Dirt, watch my cartwheel!
Wait, no, not Joe Dirt.
Daddy, watch my cartwheel!
Dad, look, I can do a back handspring.
Can you do a flip, too?
So, anyway, that's the whole story.
And I know you believe me 'cause all those races I predicted and stuff came true.
Anyway, Clem,
I know the future, and I know something about you,
and I know something about your wife.
We must not know.
We're not supposed to know
the future that is laid out for us.
Because choices must remain for us to make.
That's how it must be.
What, are you saying that if you could learn what's gonna happen in the future,
you don't even want to know?
Each day must remain without horizon,
to be savored for the now.
Okay, yeah, I know what you're saying.
You never know how hot it is until you lose your shade tree.
No. I speak with more elegance than that.
I'm not talking trifles from a calendar or a bumper sticker,
or the poster of that cat, you've seen it...
It's everywhere.
The cat hangs upside down from the tree,
and underneath the cat it says, "hang in there."
Right.
This is nonsense. The cat must not just hang there,
the cat must go fix its problems.
The cat must find the thing that gives it trouble,
then smack that thing on the side of the head with a brick.
The cat must ask,
does your mother sew?
Ka-boom-buff!
Get her to stitch that!
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah, cats are hard to train, I know.
But Clem,
I mean, Mr. Bennedetti...
You've convinced me that we are friends in the future,
- call me Clem. - Man.
I love it. Well, Clem,
you just turned my life around, you made me rich.
Me too.
Yeah. -This is like a crazy accident
I saw you, because now I'm gonna be able to buy my kids so much stuff,
I'm gonna be so important to them now.
Joe, I think you have not learned all the things you need to know from me,
but for now,
there's something more important that bothers me.
Concerns me.
This girl you talk about, this Brandy.
Yeah. -Something nags me in the back of my head.
What if you miss the first time you meet her?
Everything's gonna be off.
The future's gonna be batshit crazy.
That's so true, that's so smart. I didn't think of that.
Clem, I need to make it back to where I first met Brandy
to make everything happen.
That's when her dog's balls got stuck on her porch.
He was licking his balls,
and it was 40 below zero outside.
- What do you expect? - Yeah.
Joe, let's have one for the road.
I don't even know if I should have a drink
because I got my liver taken out, man.
Who give a shit?
Yeah. Okay, let's do it.
Okay.
No kidney, no problem.
Hahaha, that's right.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
- Oof. - Yeah.
Daddy, where are you?
Man.
You're awake.
Not feeling good, I bet?
I think I was drunk 'cause, you know,
I had some of my innards harvested.
Yeah. That would explain the empty spots on the X-ray.
But drunk is an understatement.
They found you running naked with a roman candle sticking out of your ass.
You tried to eat a bunch of pigeons.
Then you climbed on stage at a Donny Osmond concert
screaming, "What do y'all do with Van Halen?"
And then this huge guy punched you incredibly hard
directly in your testicles.
Check this out.
You're gonna love this.
Argh!
Aah, that's me?
Your balls are basically, like,
"hey, man, let's go see what his throat is talking about?"
There was a tour bus that was driving by,
you know, it was a bunch of Japanese,
and you know how those people are with their cameras.
My wife is Asian. What's up with the jokes?
Like, what are you, some Grand Wizard or something?
No, man, I didn't say nothing.
You nodded. You nodded like a motherfucker.
Anyway.
The punch was so masterful,
that your testicles are up way inside you,
and they would have gone a lot higher had they not bounced off your heart.
Wait, my...
my ball sack's where?
Your balls are in your stomach.
And your sacks are literally being digested as we speak.
And that's not fantastic.
So, what we're gonna have to do is yank them out.
You mean "gently extract"?
Yes. By "extract," we mean "yank."
And so we have these things that look like salad tongs...
Actually, they are salad tongs from the Sizzler salad bar.
You know, there's always some good pussy at Sizzler.
Sizzler, yeah.
I'm usually buried in cornbread, I don't look up.
I usually say, "this may hurt a bit."
But this is definitely gonna hurt.
All right, are you ready?
Let's breathe.
Is there a parakeet?
In here?!
Aah!
Damn, man, why are you yelling?
Why did you yell in my ear?
Well, it hurt, like a mofo.
Well, yeah, but what about my ear?
You could have turned your face that way, you could have screamed at that wall.
But you wanted to yell in my e...
Eww.
What?
Good news?
You can say that I definitely extracted your balls.
A lot of credit goes to the workout regimen I've been on.
They're... They're hanging a little low, man.
They do hang, but how low?
Remember Clackers?
Clackers? That's my balls? Aww, that's too far.
Don't worry, balls have a great healing mechanism.
You'll be back, May, June...
Wait, May or June? I gotta go to Silvertown...
by tomorrow!
You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't travel.
See, your balls look like tube socks with lemons in them.
And that's usually the side effect from the yanktotomy I performed.
But if I don't go to Silvertown,
I don't meet Brandy,
and my whole future's thrown off, you understand?
I gotta go!
Okay.
Good evening, folks.
We'll be starting our descent into Spokane, Washington in a few minutes.
So, if anybody needs to use the restroom,
please, do so now.
Good idea.
I'm gonna take a pee, real quick.
Turbulence, everybody.
Give me a second.
Are those your balls?
Yeah. Is that an apple?
Little tubulente.
Dang. Too much turb, gotta sit down and pee like a little girl.
Aah!
My nuts!
Aah! My balls!
Sir, are you okay in there?
No, look!
My nuts got sucked in. Look!
My god!
What'd you do that for? That's so stupid!
I'm not on trail here! I did it accident.
What's going on?
Good, sweet, lord in Heaven! I need help!
This man has gotten his ball sack stuck down the toilet.
I just got sucked as an accident, I pushed the thing.
I'm sorry, I quit.
- No, no, no, no. - I hate balls, to start out with.
- No, I'm not... - Don't quit!
I need help!
I don't know what to do, they didn't deal with this is stewardess school.
Sir, you gotta lift them up when I flush, okay?
No, that doesn't sound like it's gonna work.
- Ready? One, two, three. - No, no, no!
Aah!
It worked.
It didn't work. We'll try it again.
Gon' try it again. One, two, three. No, no, no!
Aah!
Aah, you bitch!
What are you doing? I'm sorry.
Don't do it! I never say that "B" word,
but it hurts too much,
you can't do that. We need to think of a new strategy.
- What is going on out here, ladies? - Have a look.
What is it? I'm trying to...
- What the... - Yeah!
I'm gonna get you guys some help.
- Okay. - Let's clean that up.
You want me to clean this up first,
or get the guy's balls out of the toilet?
Watch your face, sir, it's coming in.
Get out of here with your foot!
Don't kick me, Jackie Chan!
Aah!
I passed out for a minute.
Right.
Not again, you bitch!
Do you really have to parade me across the tarmac?
Is there not a shortcut?
I'm out here on display.
Hey gals.
I'm usually in a hemi.
Man, is there a second gear on this?
You see what that is, right? You see it.
This is crazy.
'Cause his left nut is right in that one gear.
Right there is the gear box.
And his other one, his other nut...
Where'd you take off from? Miami.
Miami?
His other nut's probably back in Miami.
Where? -They might have to ship it to you, buddy.
Are you funning me?
Just hand me pliers, and... what do you think about a saw?
A saw?
Wait, like a hacksaw?
Like, to hack it off?
No, no. No saw by my balls, thanks.
Hey, buddy,
can you let us concentrate? How long is this gonna take?
Like, four or five hours. Whatever. Don't matter.
Four or five hours? No way, man! I gotta take an airplane to Idaho!
I gotta be honest, man. Planes are out of the question.
You're gonna have to drive.
Drive? I can't drive with these balls!
Plus, I drive mopar, not some crummy rental car.
So, I rented a car,
and now I was headed home.
But of course, I ran out of gas. Typical.
Everyone saw that coming.
And then I hopped a train, and that was fun,
'cause the guy even let me drive it for a second.
Well, I screwed that up fast.
I didn't stick around to fill out no paperwork.
I just started running.
I'm actually a good runner.
I'm actually not.
Man.
If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
Man.
Hey, Foggle.
That phone book is looking a little thinner these days.
Okay, how about you give us them boots
and we'll kill you only half as slow as we was gonna.
How did you find me, man?
I met you back in 1965!
Joe Dirt, we're the dream you can't slip.
The ache in your heart. The darkness just outside of your light.
Been hounding you since the day you was left behind
like garbage by your ma and pa.
We're an allegory and reality.
And your time is up.
This is gonna be good.
Hey!
I don't like your tone.
You're talking to my boy all wrong.
Hey, Clem!
Who are you?
I come to check on my boy, Joe Dirt.
He's my goose that lays the golden eggs.
You don't mess with my goose unless you're a gander.
Tell me, are you a gander?
No. No, I'm not a gander!
Clem, I'm so glad to see you, man!
But I gotta get out of here! I gotta go to Brandy's house right now.
I want those boots, pissant!
Joe, go meet your woman.
I will take care of these dunskies.
You know, we're kinda running the show here,
we've got our chains,
and knives...
Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.
Especially if I got the guns.
Not now, darling.
Hey, Clem, you don't have to do this for me, buddy.
Joe Dirt, we may meet again someday.
I don't know.
But for that to happen,
you must meet your destiny.
You've learned how hot it is when you lose your shade tree.
Go get your shade tree back.
Thanks, man.
Hey, by the way,
why doesn't it sound fruity when you say that?
You don't have time for the explanation.
I don't.
Bye, Foggle, I gotta go! Whoo-hoo!
Joe Dirt.
Joe Dirt!
Ha!
And you...
You're done with Joe Dirt.
You must never haunt his dreams again.
You must never be that voice of doubt
that makes him think he's not good.
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
I'll let you know when it's over.
Hey, does your mother sew?
Ka-boom-buff!
Get her to stitch that!
Charlie!
We gotta get you unstuck.
Is there anybody out there that will help me!
It's you.
Yeah.
Thank goodness. We gotta help Charlie!
I was born to help Charlie.
What's going on?
I was thinking maybe warm water and a spatula?
- That's a great idea. - Okay.
Man. Keep your mouth shut, mutt.
All right. I'm looking at you, too.
He's all good. Come on, back.
Charlie!
Jimmy, thank you! You're welcome.
It ain't nothing.
How did you do that?
Don't worry about it.
That's a guy thing right there.
Brady, hey.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
It's me, Brandy. Joe Dirt.
Joe Dirt?
What kind of name is that?
It's me. We're supposed to meet here right now.
Right exactly now
with Charlie.
We become friends and eventually we get married.
Boy, what are you talking about?
Is you wasted or something?
Um, Mr. Dirt, I can't talk right now.
Jimmy and I need to tend to my dog.
Brandy, I'm rich now.
I'm super rich.
I'm somebody that's worth loving.
Mr. Dirt, money doesn't interest me all that much.
I'm more interested in a man that is kind.
Like somebody that would help a dog in distress.
Well hell, just yesterday
I saved 15 raccoons by giving them mouth-to-mouth
because they was choking on garbage and stuff.
Heck, I'll save anybody.
Especially you, Brandy.
You know, 'cause I am armed.
A-R-M-D, right there.
Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Dirt.
Yeah, later, Dirt.
Jimmy, would you like some iced tea?
Why, hells to the yes.
Get on in there.
♪ Love hurts ♪
♪ Love scars ♪
♪ Love wounds♪
♪ And mars♪
♪ Any heart♪And that was it.
I missed my destiny.
Just like that it was all gone.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I really am.
Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
Right now, you're probably the only friend I have.
There's my bus.
See ya.
Wow, where's the fire, lady?
He got kicked to the curb.
Joey Dirt fucked up a couple of things.
Haha!
Damn, she just left him.
That boy was left with nothing.
But, you know, last time all he had was his freedom.
And you know what freedom is.
- Yup. - Yeah.
Just another word for nothing left to lose.
Ha! Look at you all growed up and being.
Starsky and Putz!
- Haha! - I had a cousin named Randy.
Yeah.
But, much like Ned Beatty braced against the shale wall in "Deliverance,"
this time, he's got shit tons to lose.
But come on, it's Joe Dirt.
There's always one more ace up his wifebeater.
Let's pick this story back up.
Get out of the road!
Hey, what's up.
Hey, dude. Where'd you come from?
You scared the crap out of me.
Looks like you've just completely given up, Joe?
Look ou...
Man, that car just drove through you.
Like... like a car driving through you.
Are you some sort of ghost or something?
Ghostlike.
Yeah, check this out. Put your hand right here. Just touch it.
No, that's your private parts, man.
Private, but you're invited.
Go ahead, put it right there. It's gonna go right through me. I wont' even feel it.
I want you to feel it. Try it. Really?
Yeah. -All right, I ain't being fruity.
I did!
Yeah, that felt nice.
No, man, don't say that.
No, that's wrong. Could have bought me dinner first.
We just met.
You talk slow, but you move fast.
Yeah, it's like there's a dog whistle in my pants and only you can hear it.
Do it again one more time, I wanna see if you can get me off again.
No, I didn't get you off, man, I ain't no party boy!
Come on, Joe, I'm just messing with you.
Just trying to lighten the mood, I never...
Never figured you for a quitter.
Weren't you the guy who once said, "Life's a garden, dig it"?
Yeah, I also said "say it, don't spray it."
But that Joe is gone, mad.
"Life's a garden, dig it" ain't nothing but a bumper sticker.
Well, don't you think that sometimes bumper stickers have a little bit of truth in them?
Yeah, you know the one that says,
"Wrap it in latex, or she'll get your paychecks."
That one's got lots of truth.
Sure, and then remember that one
that said "coexist"?
Heh. Yeah, that's not as funny.
And then they took the coexist, and they changed it to "JoeExist"
to put his hands on dick.
Come on, Joe. I want you to come with me. I wanna show you something.
I wanna take you to Silvertown.
Silvertown? No way, man. That place is a thousand miles away.
Literally and fingera...
And fig...
Fig newtonally.
Were you going for "figuratively"?
Joe, when you're with me, Silvertown is just a second away.
All right.
Wait a second, is this Silvertown?
Man, it's all gone to hell, what happened?
You didn't happen, Joe.
All went to hell.
Although, my guess is you would have rather had it
gone to "The Thunder Down Under."
The Thunder Down Under show? That's a bunch of dudes dancing around.
Why do you keep saying crap like that?
Snapper, 11 o'clock.
Nine o'clock.
Snapper.
I'd drink a gallon of her piss just to see where it came from.
Did you go to guardian angel school? Because I feel like maybe you flunked out.
Hey! Hey, you little punks, come back here!
Third time this week kids have ripped me off.
This used to be a town for families.
- Community. - Yeah.
But the last few decades,
well, something's gone missing. It's like...
Well, it's like the glue is gone.
Someone stole Silvertown's glue?
Wait, is that one of those metaphors you talked about?
Who are you talking to?
Sorry man, this this here's Clair.
He can't see me, Joe.
Christ sakes...
Kids ripping off comic books,
assholes standing around talking to themselves,
it's all just bullshit!
Man.
Joe, Brandy's just outside of town.
Brandy lives here?
This don't seem like her kind of place at all.
Well, these days, this is her kind of place.
Her life went down a different path the day that she didn't meet you.
She's changed.
I mean, she is still cute as a little puppy,
if that little puppy had great tits
and a nice ass.
Man.
It's like diarrhea, I can't stop.
You should see it for yourself, though.
Hey, man, how'd you do that?
Well, 'cause I'm an angel, you moron!
Joe, I want you to find Brandy.
Okay.
Sup, dude. Sweet hair.
You hear that?
- That's poetry. - Poetry.
Brandy finally gave me the gift
I knew she always had to give.
All the great words,
the great magical turns of a phrase.
That lives within me now
and informs my music.
It's all because of her.
So, you know what I'm thinking?
You all wanna get wasted?
Yeah! -Get real wasted real fast!
Party like a rock star?
- Yeah! - Well, all right!
Yeah!
Here's what I'm thinking. Tampons.
Come on, man, hear me out, man.
You soak 'em in vodka,
and then we shove 'em straight up our asses.
Wait, what?
It'll get you hammered ASAP, man, Mark McGrath does it every night.
I don't know, that seems weird, a little.
Do you guys question the iPhone?
Well, yeah, but this seem different than an iPhone.
You can't compare an iPhone with a tampon.
Stop being such a bunch of pussies now!
I demand you to stop being pussies!
Now start to soaking and get to shoving!
Or you're out of my entourage, all of youse.
Keep soaking and shoving. Soak and shove,
I wanna hear you boys say it now!
Soak and shove.
Ooh, you better be right about that.
All right.
It's hard to get in there, boss.
Don't worry about it, man, just keep shoving.
It'll get there. It'll get there.
How you doing, Cal?
Eight! Nine!
Ten!
Yeah, 14!
Haha! These things are going up like easy-peasy.
What?
14?
What'd he say?
What? Who said that?
What are you saying?
Um, I thought I was eating them.
- I thought he said eat. - He wasn't eating them, man.
You said eat 'em. I had like 14.
I was eating them. They taste like cotton candy.
Wait a minute,
did you say butt, man?
My god, Jimmy!
He was putting them up his butt.
This guy! This guy
was putting them up his butt.
What an idiot! What an idiot!
They all went up your butt, Cal, I seen 'em all go up your butt.
No! No!
This sucks! No, I'm out. I'm done with this party. You suck, Jimmy.
No, you don't suck. You're great, man. I love you.
You're awesome You're the best. You're the best.
He sucks!
No, I'm out.
This is terrible.
Jimmy, this is stupid. Stay! Stay! Stay!
- Hey! - No, Jimmy.
What a dumb idea!
Hey, Jimmy, we got a situation out here.
Hey, come on, man, we're doing a science experiment out here.
Yeah, but there's this guy out here.
- What's up? - Look man,
we caught this dude without an invitation.
You want me to throw his ass out?
I know you, right?
You know me, yeah!
It's Joe Dirt!
Jimmy, I can't believe you're such a huge star in this big house, man!
Seems like just yesterday we was hanging out at the gas station.
Now, hold up a second there.
Now, I ain't never hung out with nobody named Joe Dirt,
and I ain't about to start right now.
Yeah.
You know, I think I confused you for somebody else.
Yeah, I think you did.
Hey, man, get this boy a drink.
Maybe clear his head up a little bit.
No, man, I'm cool.
No, you ain't.
Dang, I walk into that every time.
Hey, where's... is Brandy around?
What'd you say?
Is Brandy here?
You asking about Brandy now?
You coming up in my house
acting all buddy-buddy like,
and now you hitting on my wife?
No, I didn't mean...
Your wife?
Brandy's not your...
- Yeah. - What?
My god, when you took my place
on the porch saving Charlie's balls, that's right.
Wait a minute.
You're that dude that walked up on me and Brandy that night on the porch
when I was saving that stupid mutt or something like that.
And you was talking about, "Brandy, I love you."
"I got so much money it's coming out of my butt."
It's no wonder Colt Ford wrote a song about you.
Colt Ford wrote a song about me?
Yeah, man, The Ballad of Joe Dirt.
And here you are.
Stupid mullet,
Stupid... face and all that.
Well, hello, ladies!
Whoo-hoo!
Lookie here, lookie here!
Hey, Jimmy, ain't you just say you're married to Brandy now?
She does her thing, I do my thing.
That's the way that thing goes.
So, how you doing? Where your friends at?
You seen the jacuzzi yet?
Whoo! You're gonna love it!
Come on now! You got a twin sister?
Not cool.
Hey!
Brandy!
Brandy?
Hey.
Hey, I remember you.
Hey, you're that rich guy.
You were gonna help me with Charlie when he was stuck.
- Yeah. - Until Jimmy beat you to it
and helped me instead.
Which might have been the last time Jimmy helped me with anything.
Hey, look, it's the moron with the Tennessee top hat!
You nailed it, bro!
Tennessee top hat.
That's actually a good one, fellas.
I have not heard that one before.
- Got some new stuff. - Yeah?
I bet you never heard that you're a winner either?
Jimmy would have liked that one.
I love Jimmy!
Where is Jimmy?
Forget about Jimmy, baby.
You're with me now.
Katrina, you're so sweet.
You're such a good friend to me.
Yeah? You look so hot tonight, Brandy.
Doesn't she look hot, boys?
Yeah! Yes!
I don't... I don't think she looks that hot.
I mean, no, I mean, she's gorgeous.
But that's not the Brandy I'm used to.
You don't look like that.
I mean, you look slutty hot, and that's good.
Slutty hot's good, it's just not the regular hot.
But believe me, there's a place for slutty hot. Guys like that.
But Brandy isn't that kind of hot. You're innocent, sweet hot.
I mean, sluts are great... You know what?
I'm digging a hole. I'll get out of it.
Brandy, what's been happening in Silvertown?
Brandy's been happening.
Boy.
I didn't think those "M" s was ever gonna stop.
This girl's got more "M" s than M&Ms.
'Cause M&Ms...
No laughs. Absolutely zero.
When Jimmy's here, you laugh at everything.
He cuts a fart. Everyone cracks up for two hours.
This town is called "Jimmytown" now.
My husband renamed it.
I kinda miss the old name.
And all that came with it.
Brandy?
I'd like to be all that came with it to you.
Katrina, that tickles.
Jimmy'll get mad.
He always gets mad.
No, he'll just grab a camera and pop a rod.
You're just a lost little girl, Brandy.
I didn't use to be.
I used to be a strong, independent woman.
I don't know what happened to me.
Could be the heroin.
Heroin, man?
What's going on in this town. It's all mixed up.
I don't know what is and isn't mixed up anymore.
You're so deep, Brandy.
You like when I do this to you, don't you?
I bet you're wearing those silk little panties I bought for you, ain't you?
Don't say ain't
or your mother will faint
and your father will fall into a bucket of paint.
Wow.
You and me.
We have a connection, Joe Dirt.
We used to always say that.
I say it all the time to our ki...
to... to my kids.
Kiss me, Brandy!
Like you mean it, girl.
Don't be halfway with me no more, Brandy.
All right, that's it, show's over, everybody.
Stop it right there, that's enough.
- What are you doing? - What the hell?
What are you, queer?
Hey, Brandy, in another life we get married and we fall in love.
We have three beautiful kids,
Cheyenne, Abilene, and Dakota.
Those are such sweet names.
Well, that's 'cause you picked them.
I picked dumb names.
Stay on topic, Joe.
Man, you scare me 'cause you come out of nowhere sometimes.
Look, tell her... Tell her what you've learned.
- Yeah. - Tell her how you feel.
Okay, I think I got it.
Who's he talking to?
Right, Brandy...
me and you was together and everything was going great, and we was really happy,
and then something terrible happened. I got taken away from you and the kids,
and the now, I think I'm sent back
to learn a lesson
that if I have money, and you...!
What the hell? Come on!
Dammit, Joe! You still don't get it?
Look, they told me you were dumb,
but I mean, it's almost like you're "I'm joking" kind of dumb.
Look, I give up here.
I guess I'm not gonna get my wings,
and I'm never gonna hear that beautiful sound.
What sound?
Well, you hear a certain kind of clang when an angel gets its wings.
Whatever. I... Look.
Wait. When an angel gets its wings...
That's from a movie or somethin', like, a T.V. show.
Shut up, dude!
You're seriously bummin' out the vibe in this room.
Brandy here had a monsoon in her panties, thinking about me.
Then, you walk in here, not remembering lines from "It's a Wonderful Life"?
- That's it. - I'm trying to get down,
and you're getting me down.
Look, this is just too confusing.
I've had too much to drink.
I gotta go.
- I gotta go. - Let me... Can I talk...
What'd you do?
Brandy,
I think I know what I'm supposed to know now.
I'm gonna be different.
I don't know what you're sayin'. Just please stop.
I'm married to Jimmy,
but he doesn't feel like he's married to me.
My life feels like it is spinning out of control.
Goodbye, Joe Dirt.
Well, that went great.
I don't know what's goin' on anymore, man.
I... I don't know what I'm supposed to learn.
Well, you're not very bright.
Come on, I don't... I ain't no toaster scientist.
What am I supposed to learn? I bench 150 on a good day.
The fact that I'm supposed to have memorized a spark plug gap
on a Plymouth 383?
I don't know. I just want my old life back.
150's not that great.
Hey, Clair.
Hey, wait. You're that woman that yelled at me on the bus bench!
That's right, you fart eater.
I'm the good witch.
I'm the one who sent this honky angel to you.
No offense, Clair.
No offense? Really? Okay.
He's like the angel that saved that cracker ass Jimmy Stewart
and helped that white racist ass town.
Tell me somethin'.
How come they don't ever have any angels to save a black town?
You don't think black towns could use some help once in a while?
You ever seen Detroit?
That town is suckin' some misery dick.
How come them bitches in Hollywood
don't throw us a bone every once in a while?
Wait a second. You're the good witch?
Well, maybe you should work on your, like, presentation,
'cause it comes off a little rough around the edges.
But I have to say, ma'am, with all due respect,
this is who I am. I'm Joe Dirt, okay?
And I'm fine with it.
I'm not mean to other people like you are.
In fact, I made some money with this guy, Clem,
and if you need it for that city, Detroit,
you can have it all to help 'em.
I don't care.
'Cause I thought it was about bein' rich
and showin' my family I had a lot of money,
and bein' famous like Lynyrd Skynyrd, but...
that don't matter.
It's about me bein' me.
Just me.
And I'm okay with that.
And they're okay with that.
Well, I'll be dipped in shit!
Holy hell, he gets it.
What? What happened?
You got it, Joe Dirt.
You learned your lesson.
Yeah, you're going home, Joe.
You're going home. You know...
I was Foggle. Did you know that?
You was Foggle?
Wait. You're both sorta like homophobic. Maybe yeah.
Well, I was acting.
I made some interesting choices.
A little big, at first.
But I thought I had real dimen...
I had to be convincing. Those guys would've raped me.
Fuck that actin' shit!
This boy goin' home!
Click those boots together, Joe Dirt.
You know what to say.
I just say, "There ain't no place like home"?
Joe, I want to thank you for giving me my wings.
- You got your wings? - I did.
Well, I'm gonna get 'em now.
Am I supposed to hear a clang?
You will.
Daddy.
You are the most handsomest mn that I have ever seen.
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
Life's a garden. Dig it.
When are you coming back?
Way back.
You like to see homos naked?
No, no, no, no, no! Home is where you make it.
Ain't nothin' like home.
Joe.
Wake up. Joe?
Brandy?
Is this a dream?
Is this a dream again?
No, it's real! Get over here!
Come on!
Where you guys been?
I missed ya!
Look at you?
- Hey! - Hey, baby.
- I think it's good. - My God!
Come on, you little hicks.
So, that is the whole story.
It's crazy.
Joe, we love you just the way you are.
We do, Daddy. We love you.
We wouldn't trade you for any other daddy in the whole wide world.
Did you practice that? It sounds too good.
Hold up, hold up.
Wait a second. This looks familiar.
What's wrong?
There's no way.
That was all a dream. It doesn't matter.
Never mind.
What is it, Daddy?
It...
♪ What that woman, Lord ♪
♪ She been doin' to me♪
♪ Can't you see? ♪
♪ What that woman ♪
♪ She been doin' to me ♪
Baby, we're rich.
Rich? Why, you've always been rich, Joe Dirt.
You just needed to find that out for yourself.
Ooh!
Daddy and Mommy!
Haha, that's right!
Whoo! Mommy likes me.
Come on, let's go!
Come on, babies.
♪ Can't you see?♪
♪ Can't you see? ♪
♪ What that woman, Lord ♪
♪ She been doin' to me ♪
♪ Can't you see? ♪
♪ What that woman ♪
♪ She been doin' to me ♪
♪ He's got a back hoe, it's caterpillar yellow ♪
♪ He's a heller of a feller, a drink and storyteller ♪
♪ He's illegal to drive♪
♪ But he legally drinks and gets illegally high ♪
♪ One night, while he's up to the sky ♪
♪ He looked at that back hoe and asked himself ♪
♪ Why not? ♪
♪ I'm gonna drive that thang, it's a loophole, man♪
♪ The DUI don't pertain ♪
♪ I'm gonna drive it to the bar down on Main Street ♪
♪ Now, he's diggin' ♪
♪ Got a hot little honey hangin' out of that cab ♪
♪ Just diggin' ♪
♪ Got the windows tinted and a bass tune hittin' ♪
♪ Diggin' ♪
♪ Creepin' past the po-po, incognito ♪
♪ Like Joe Dirt, that's how he's livin'♪
♪ Life's a garden, man, and he's just diggin' ♪
♪ He's wearin' a cat hat with a meow-meow kitty ♪
♪ Rolls up in the club, pimpin' like Diddy ♪
♪ With the beer tippin', just sippin' on suds ♪
♪ Puttin' shots back and trippin' with his buds ♪
No, thank you.
Whoo! Old comic books in mint condition
for ten cents apiece? Yeah.
Give old Jir...
Well, long story short.
We stomped those three dudes so hard,
they gotta take their boots off to piss.
Anyway, this... Motherfucker.
Seriously?
Is it 2015?
My God.
I thought I had this turned off.
This is embarrassing.
Joe, I want to talk to you.
I like you.
You have funny hair, but I like you.
Yeah, hey.
Hey, funny guy.
As a matter of fact, if you want to stay awake right now,
you'll still be on the road in the middle of nowhere.
You're call. REM.
That's so stupid.
No, thank you.
Man.
Old comic books in mint condition for ten cents apiece?
You give ol' Joe Dirt lemonade,
he's gonna give you...
Fuck you.
One more. Then, I gotta go to lunch.
Wait, you're twistin' stuff. Like, I say somethin',
and then, you say it back different.
You're supposed to be a nice guardian angel, like...
I don't picture people like you.
Anyway, I don't get horny by... Let's go.
By
I don't get horny... I'm gonna get it out.
I don't get horny from animal sex.
But I like Jessica Rabbit.
- Really? - She's fuckable. Yeah.
I kind of get a gay vibe from you.
Yeah, I've heard that.
Can someone open this for me?
Did somebody fart on this?
What did I do?
What? Those two farts were accidents.
Wait. No. What?
"Wait. No. What?"
What? I have a medical condition.
They did it on purpose.
Fine. I don't even work here.
Stuff you actually made up to sound cool
because you were on shrooms,
but actually makes you sound like a dipshit.
So I'm gonna say no.
Hey, John. I'm up here at Load C.
Some asshole went diarrhea all over the seat.
Copy that.
When can you start?
- Laugh like me. - Okay.
- All right. - Ha... We're good? Okay.
- That's it. - Cut.
- That's a cut. - That's a cut.
Terrific.